


Don't Dance on the Shards of My Broken Heart

by celedan



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Ianto, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Rollercoaster, First Time, Grieving, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-Episode: s01e04 Cyberwoman, Top Jack, conflicting emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 07:23:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17997437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celedan/pseuds/celedan
Summary: Jack is so furious about Ianto's betrayal that now, he doesn't understand why he has followed the young man home after the tragedy of today. Does he want to punish him after all? See him suffer for all the hurt he caused because of Lisa? He doesn't know, and even when he stands before Ianto, he is still undecided. But one thing he does know: the sight of Ianto in a bathrobe, vulnerable and looking so small stirs a whole lot of unwanted, inappropriate feelings inside of him – and certain parts of his body.





	Don't Dance on the Shards of My Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This story is non-compatible with the Big Finish audio drama „Broken“ although I was aware of the storyline there when I wrote this. I can't really remember where this rather dark attempt at a Cyberwoman aftermath came from, but I wanted to explore Jack's feelings after the whole mess. We all agree that Ianto is devastated, and Big Finish showed that quite well in my opinion. I think that Jack on the other hand must feel pretty conflicted here – being betrayed by one of his team, nonetheless feeling compassion, guilt of not being able to help, anger about Ianto's thoughtlessness to endanger the whole world although he should know better and his audacity to con his way into Torchwood, and finally, feeling inappropriate attraction in this situation. I hope I managed to picture Jack's inner conflict somewhat realistically, I'm not a psychiatrist after all, but judge for yourself.
> 
> The title is borrowed from bluegraywilde's „Brisk Runnings“. The sentence was used there, and I loved it on the spot.

Brooding, Jack sat in the dark SUV, and stared up to the equally as dark apartment complex, unseeing.

He still felt numb. Probably in shock. Not about having to face a Cyberman... well, that, too, of course.

No.

What really had shocked and hurt him to the core was Ianto's betrayal.

Actually, he should have known that it would come to that one day. Not that it would be Ianto betraying him, but that  _someone_ in his current team would betray him eventually. It had happened in the past. Over and over. People pretending to be his friend or lover only to leave him all alone again or to do experiments on him here within Torchwood. In the end, he was left hurting and alone. 

And now, it had happened again.

It was bitter to realise now why the younger man had begged him for a job all those months ago. And all the flirting... Jack snorted in disgust. If Jack had taken the flirting further, would Ianto have taken him up on it? Would he have let Jack fuck him, whored himself out only to save that  _thing_ ? 

Not a thing though, right? All these months, and Ianto had still thought of it as Lisa. It had probably been the only hope he could cling to that his girlfriend was still herself, and could be saved in the end. What a fool. A fool for love indeed, but at least, according to Gwen, it was a goal worth being foolish over, even endangering the whole world.

Naive girl.

She had no idea of the real danger they had faced tonight, and how lucky they had been to escape relatively unharmed. Her romantic soul had only seen the desperate man who wanted to save the one he loved.

“Have you ever loved someone as much?”

Gwen's words still rung in his ears, leaving a bitter note all over.

He had. Plenty of times even, and he'd made mistakes as well. Grave mistakes. Not only for love, but simply because he was reckless and stupid. Maybe love really was a better reason to risk the world for than greed and the wish to take revenge at the Time Agency for example.

But because he had made those mistakes, and learned from them, it was his duty to protect those under his command – the people he cared for – from making these mistakes as well.

Sighing anew, he stared up at the window he knew belonged to Ianto's flat. He stared just as intently at the dark window as he had at that spot of concrete in the basement earlier. Intense but unseeing, his distraught thoughts worlds away. He had stood there for hours this night, staring at the bare, freakishly clean concrete after having dismantled the conversion unit himself. Before he'd dismissed Ianto for the night, he had forced him to get rid of the bodies, unmoved by Ianto's bitter tears as he had taken what remained of his girlfriend and Annie – and probably of the unknown man they'd seen on CCTV as well – to be cremated. Then, he had kept him on his knees for hours scrubbing the floor with his bare hands. Standing watch over him, his Webley at his hip, both of them acutely aware that he could use it as he saw fit, he had felt a certain grim satisfaction of finally being in control of the situation again.

But then, why was he here now? He hadn't planned to come here. He didn't want to face Ianto right now lest he do something he would probably regret later. Coming here made him feel as if control slipped from his fingers once more because he simply didn't know what he was going to do. Did he want to punish Ianto even more? Kill him after all? Give in to his hurt rage, and execute the man right there in his own flat?

He really, really didn't know. And that scared the hell out of him. Maybe the Doctor wasn't the only one who needed someone to stop him going too far once and again...

But nonetheless, something compelled Jack to go up there. It was as if Ianto's agony called out to him, fuelling his own hurt in a vicious, never ending circle...

Suddenly jerking violently as if awaking from a deep, nightmare-haunted slumber, Jack fled the constricting car, and made his way up to Ianto's flat. The automatic lock on the front door of the building was no match for his vortex manipulator, and within the blink of an eye, sooner than he would have liked to be truthful, he stood before the door of the flat, the staircase dark and eerily silent around him, all of the other residents deeply asleep.

Taking a deep breath, Jack rapped sharply at the door before he lost his courage, and only a surprisingly few moments later, Ianto opened the door. He didn't seem surprised to see Jack, he simply stepped aside to let the other man in.

Jack watched him closely while stepping into the flat. What he noticed first about Ianto was that his face and hands were free of blood at last, his hair still slightly damp from the shower he must have taken only recently.

Frankly, he hadn't cared how Ianto got home this night. And if he would have been forced to walk the streets of Cardiff with blood all over him, Jack hadn't cared. He had just wanted Ianto gone before he killed him after all.

So why was he here now, he asked himself for the umpteenth time this night.

Silently, the two men stood facing each other in the living room after Ianto had shut the door again. Ianto looked to the floor, evading Jack's gaze while Jack couldn't look anywhere but Ianto, noticing his empty eyes in an otherwise impassive face. Not being able to bear looking into this emptiness, refusing to believe this unease stemmed from any guilt concerning Jack's own role in this drama, Jack finally let his gaze roam. Only now did he actually realise that the younger man was only wearing a morning robe. A sudden, unwelcome heat sizzled through his body, awfully familiar and really, really inappropriate at this moment. But he couldn't help himself. All the flirting between them hadn't been him being his normal self that flirted with everybody and everything. No. He'd felt drawn to the young man from the start, wether that may turn out a spectacularly bad idea in the long run be damned. His vulnerable, gentle looks appealed to Jack's protective streak, but at the same time, Ianto's dry wit attracted his more playful side. The promise of maybe a dangerous, reckless side lurking under the calm, professional demeanour sent sparks of arousal through Jack every time Ianto's smooth, accented baritone washed over him with another dry remark.

That, and he really looked good in a suit.

So, to be faced now with this enticing body out of its suit, hidden from his view only by a thin morning robe, led Jack's dark thoughts completely astray. His fingers itched to part the robe to expose the pale flesh of Ianto's naked body...

“Why are you here?”

Ianto's voice jerked him out of his lust fuelled thoughts, and Jack's gaze snapped up to Ianto's face. The younger man had finally found the courage to look Jack in the eye.

Jack gulped when he was once more confronted, now full force, with the indifferent emptiness there. Inadvertently, a good part of his anger suddenly bled out of him. Even if he should have come here to actually punish Ianto, he realised the other man probably wouldn't care, would maybe even welcome it. And although it was Jack's right to punish Ianto for his transgressions, for endangering the whole world for fuck's sak e, he suddenly didn't want to be such a man. He wanted to be better than that, not the monster Ianto saw him as – he saw himself as, so much that he had to swallow down the bile that threatened to choke him when he thought too closely about his own actions tonight, sending this young man back into hell to execute the woman he loved...

“I don't think there's anything left for us to talk about,” Ianto continued as if Jack had answered his initial question, and Jack couldn't even disagree with him. A slight furrow appeared on Ianto's brow. “Unless...” His gaze flitted from Jack's face down to his hip where his Webley was hidden by his coat. 

“No.” Jack shook his head, coming to a definitive decision. “I'm not here for that.”

“Then why are you here?” A bit of desperate confusion had crept into Ianto's voice, Jack's unpredictability enough to break through his indifference. Involuntarily, he drew his robe tighter around him protectively.

“I don't know.” Jack shrugged.

Something in Ianto's gaze hardened suddenly. “Then get out. Leave me be, Jack.”

“No,” he replied again, and Ianto's gaze flashed with anger. 

“Do you not have caused me enough pain today already?!” he shouted at Jack. 

“ _I_ caused you pain!?” Jack returned, disbelieving, anger taking over when the accusations hit a little too close to home. “You have brought this down upon yourself!”

“ _I_ didn't shoot her!”

The two men stared at each other, breathing heavily all of a sudden in agitation, Jack's good will gone in the blink of an eye.

“No,” Jack replied calmly, coldly, “but I wouldn't have had to if you'd been man enough to see the truth for what it was; that Lisa died that day at Canary Wharf. The being you so desperately tried to save for all these months was nothing more than a monster. And now, two people are dead because of your foolishness.” Viciously, he stabbed his finger pointedly at Ianto's face to underline his words, but the other man didn't even flinch.

Ianto gritted his teeth instead. “Three people,” he insisted in a stubborn act of self-depreciation. “And if you'd have given me a chance, I could have saved her. There had to be a way.”

Jack refrained from rolling his eyes, but instead sighed in exasperation, his arm falling back to his side powerlessly in his frustration. “No, there wasn't. And if you'd come to me months ago, I would have told you the same then, and could have spared you all the hope and pain. She was lost the moment those monsters strapped her onto the conversion unit. She was dead, Ianto!”

Ianto pressed his lips tightly together. “Doesn't matter. Now she really is.”

“Yes.” Jack tried to let his voice sound a little gentler. He probably failed, and only managed to sound patronising. “This could have ended different though. The girl and this man would have still been alive. But you chose to betray us all. To betray _me_ instead of trusting me.”

“Didn't you just say there was nothing you could have done? You would have killed her anyway.”

“I would have. There was no other choice.” He felt sorry for Ianto's sake, but he refused adamantly to apologise for his necessary actions though. If he acknowledged any guilt on his part...

“Then it was the right thing to hide her from you. I had to try, Jack.” Ianto's blue eyes, now infused with a bit of the old spark again, stared at him imploringly. “And I almost succeeded. I never wanted for Annie and Doctor Tanizaki to die, but for a few short minutes, she was herself again.” Ianto took a step towards Jack as if wanting to grab his lapels imploringly to shake the truth into the other man. But he didn't. “She was alive and breathing and herself. She was Lisa again. It's more than I had hoped for.”

Jack shook his head, exasperated. “You're such a fool, Ianto. It was an illusion. Nothing more. A last rise of her humanity against the Cyberman, but it was only an echo of her.”

“You don't know that!” Ianto spat back. “If...”

“If what?!” Jack hissed. 

Ianto shook his head, his shoulders slumping in sudden defeat. “I don't know.”

Jack sighed heavily in compassion but also in irritation, shakily running his hand through his hair. “Ianto...”

“I had to try,” he interrupted Jack brusquely. “Why won't you understand.” 

“I do. If there had been a chance, I would have helped you to save her, but there wasn't. I'm your boss because I have greater experience with things like that, and when I tell you it's a lost cause, I expect you all to heed my word.”

Ianto ground his teeth together in renewed anger that flared hotly inside of him again like an explosion. For a split-second, Jack flinched under the force of Ianto's rage, and some rational part in him urged him to get out of here since they were both much too unstable emotionally at the moment. It could only end in disaster.

“You're not omniscient, Jack Harkness,” Ianto spat. “For all your bluster and your _greater_ _experience_ , curiously you never even suspected that I had her hidden inside your own basement. To be truthful, I never expected to succeed smuggling her into the Hub in the first place, conversion unit and all, but it was surprisingly easy.”

Jack's own rage at Ianto's almost mocking words flared brightly again as well. Unexpectedly, because he thought he was above such feelings, his pride had taken a violent blow. Despite the ugly feeling of being betrayed (which was nothing new, but nonetheless hurt fiercely every time it happened), it was a bitter pill to swallow that he, the conman, had been out-conned by a sneaky, cunning little brat from Wales.

“You think you're so clever, do you,” Jack sneered maliciously. “But you're not. Yes, you sneaked a cyberman and a conversion unit past me, but if you were oh so clever, Torchwood One's shining little junior-researcher, then you wouldn't have tried in the first place. You should have known that you put everyone in danger. I should sack you after all for your irresponsible behaviour.” 

“As if the others never let their judgement get clouded by personal affairs,” Ianto hissed, glaring at Jack. Gradually, he was fed up with Jack scolding and belittling him as if he were nothing more than a thick child. “Just sack me or kill me already, I don't care which. I only want you gone.”

The younger man started to storm past Jack, but the Captain gripped his upper arm to hold him back.

“Let me go!” Ianto demanded, and glared heatedly at Jack again.

“You won't run away.”

“Let me go I said!” Ianto started to struggle in Jack's grip, and suddenly, something finally snapped in them both. 

Breathing heavily, Jack dragged Ianto over, and slammed him up against the living room wall face first. If he'd have drawn his gun in that moment, they'd both be back in the Tourist Office with him forcing Ianto to execute Lisa at gunpoint. But they weren't. And he didn't. Instead, he stepped closer, and pressed himself against Ianto's back, trapping the younger man between his body and the wall though he didn't really know how he should proceed now. Ianto struggled against Jack's hold the Captain still had on his upper arm, and now on his other arm as well, but Jack held fast.

Jack froze as he suddenly realised how close the other man was. He could almost feel the heat of his body through the thin fabric separating them.

Ianto seemed to realise their close proximity as well because he froze, too. The two men's heavy breathing were the only sounds that could be heard in the otherwise silent room, the heaving of their chests the only movement they consciously allowed themselves in this precarious situation. Ianto shuddered as the warm puffs of Jack's breath met the back of his exposed neck, and involuntarily, he pressed back into the warmth at his back. He really couldn't say what made him do it; he was mad as hell at Jack, but the pleasant heat he emitted felt so good against his cold body, and his damn smell was so overwhelming. He simply couldn't help himself...

Ianto's proximity, the sweet sounds of his panting breath and the enticing smell of the other man so close to Jack's nose made his treacherous cock suddenly twitch in his trousers. It was utter madness, a few seconds ago, they had been close to going for each other's throats, but once again, Jack's body overrode his common sense. Rutting his suddenly rock hard cock against Ianto's ass, he pressed him harder into the wall to keep him immobile. Impatient, he pushed the dressing gown up, exposing pale cheeks. Ianto looked so vulnerable like that that it made Jack even harder than before.

Ianto's breath hitched as he felt Jack's cloth-covered erection against his suddenly bared ass, and he really didn't know if it was a noise of desire or mortification that suddenly made it out of his throat. Both probably.

“Please,” he breathed with difficulty before he could think about his words, pressing back against Jack even if his instincts told him to struggle in the other man's grip. “Please, make me feel something again.”

Jack's heart missed a beat when he heard the desperation lacing Ianto's plea, so that he couldn't do anything else but comply with the younger man's wish. Unbidden though, his fury with Ianto surged up once again when the younger man placed all the decision-making on Jack's shoulders again, the responsibility to save him even though he probably didn't deserve any saving. A malicious streak in him pushed to the surface – worrying himself to a certain extend – that compelled him to punish Ianto after all. He wanted to help him, he really did, but that didn't lessen the urge to make the younger man pay for his foolishness, and now for his impertinent demands that Jack pick up the pieces for him.

Spinning Ianto around, he took Ianto's lips in a demanding, brutal kiss that made them both moan and whimper into each other's mouths.

The kiss was over as sudden as it had started, and instead, Jack roughly dragged Ianto away from the wall, and pushed him down onto the floor. For a moment, Ianto, still overwhelmed by the vicious kiss, struggled again, but Jack was much stronger than him, so, eventually, he complied.

Jack paused for a moment. With a lust-hazed gaze, he looked down onto the vision before him. He hadn't done anything yet, not really, but the younger man laid out before him on the cold floor already looked sinfully debauched with the parted morning robe revealing his flushed body, his dark hair dishevelled, and his lips red and swollen from the biting kiss. Surprisingly, his cock lay half hard and already oozing precome against his stomach, the magnificent member a dusky colour amidst a nest of black curls. Jack wanted to take it into his mouth, to worship it, but he resisted. It wasn't about what he wanted right now but about what he needed. And what he needed right now was something so dark that it almost frightened him. He'd never punished anyone through sex before, and he'd never simply taken what he wanted without regards for his partner's wishes.

Now he would.

Yes, Ianto had asked him to make him feel something again, but he doubted Ianto was sure what he was really asking for. Being taken on the hard floor of his flat hadn't probably been part of the younger man's plans, but it was what  _Jack_ needed at the moment. He needed to know he was still the one in control. He had been helpless often enough in the last twenty-four hours.

Hardening his heart against Ianto's vulnerable, pleading look, he demandingly spread Ianto's thighs and, kneeling, shuffled between them on his knees. A heavy blush spread over Ianto's face as he was bared to Jack's hungry gaze like that, but he let the older man continue.

His throat suddenly bone-dry, Jack swallowed hard, and fumbled for the small tube of lube he kept in one of his coat's pockets. His fingers hesitated for only a second, hovering over a condom packet as well, but then he pulled out his hand that only clutched the small tube of lube.

Ianto blushed even harder when he saw what Jack held in his hand, and his lust-fogged eyes widened in shock, maybe even fear.

But still, he didn't stop Jack.

Uncapping the lid with shaky fingers, Jack's eyes were magically drawn between Ianto's legs. Behind the flushed cock and the heavy balls, Jack could make out the tightly clenched pucker of Ianto's hole between his buttocks. A shudder of anticipation ran through Jack. It had been a long time since he had desired someone that strongly. And even longer since he had done it with such a dark, malicious passion. The last one had been his partner at the Time Agency a long time ago. It hadn't ended healthy. And this wouldn't end healthy either, but he couldn't help himself. He had to have Ianto...

Brutally shoving all thoughts and doubts into the farthest corner of his mind, Jack acted instead. Squeezing a healthy amount of cool, slick gel onto his fingers, he reached down between Ianto's thighs. The younger man drew in a sharp gasp when the coldness of the lube was spread over his heated skin, and when two dripping fingers were roughly shoved into him without mercy, he made a whimpering noise, the air in his lungs almost choking him. He tried to shy away from Jack's touch, but the Captain would have none of it.

“You wanted to feel something,” he hissed through clenched teeth, “now feel.”

Ianto shuddered, fear and raving desire spreading through him in equal parts, spiralling each other higher and higher. The dark, burning look with which Jack devoured him sent a new spike of lust and anxiousness through him.

Ianto cried out when Jack's expert fingers hit his prostate for the first time, the painful burning fading into the background to a constant, gentle throbbing immediately as a strange pleasure slammed into him.

Jack chuckled grimly, full of smug satisfaction, and he pulled his fingers out almost all the way only to slam them back against Ianto's prostate again. The younger man's back arched, and he tried to impale himself completely on Jack's fingers, no more shying away from his touch.

All of a sudden, Jack pulled out, making Ianto whine pitifully. Hastily, he shed his coat, and fumbled with his belt and flies with lube-sticky fingers.

“Hold still,” he ordered, and grasped Ianto's hip bruisingly, clawing his fingers deeply into the firm flesh. His other hand reached down towards his aching cock that rose as a hard and deep-red column out of his open flies almost obscenely. He stroked it once, two times with the hand that still had some traces of sticky lube clinging to it, even if it probably wouldn't do much difference. Lining himself up, he thrust into the hot channel with a forceful snap of his hips. 

A keening cry was ripped from Ianto as Jack's huge cock split him open, and once more, he shuffled away from the Captain, his body wrecked with new pain at the forceful penetration. But Jack only gripped Ianto's other hip firmly as well, holding his lower body immobile, and without giving Ianto the chance to adjust or catch his breath, he drew back only to slam into the younger man again and again, at first with controlled, steady snaps of his hips, but gradually with more and more uncoordinated force as Jack finally lost control.

Somewhere deep inside his troubled mind, Jack realised that Ianto desperately needed medical help, a psychiatrist who could help him through the trauma and PTSD he suffered, not a boss who used him for angry sex to punish him. But it was all they had in this fucked-up environment that was Torchwood, all Jack could offer, even if he was ashamed of it himself.

Their coupling was hard and fast. Jack was almost brutal in his thrusts while holding Ianto immobile in a steely grip, but eventually, no matter how angry he suddenly was again, his natural skill and desire to please a lover came through again. With every other expert twist of his hips, the head of his cock battered Ianto's prostate. At one time, he dragged Ianto's lower body onto his lap, and automatically, the younger man's legs clasped tightly around Jack's waist for a steadier grip.

The sound of wet flesh hitting wet flesh as well as their breathless moans and sharp cries filled the otherwise eerily still living room.

Ianto's shocked shout as he finally came violently echoed from the walls, Jack not far behind. His whole body stiffening, he spilled himself inside the younger man with an inhuman growl, claiming him as his own, claiming him back.

For long moments, Jack knelt between Ianto's legs that had slipped from around his waist weakly, simply trying to catch his breath.

When, the more his erratic heartbeat calmed down, his ability to think clearly again returned, he froze. Seeing Ianto laid spread out before him, his sweat-glistening, debauched body trembling and heaving for breath, dark, finger-shaped bruises already forming at his hips, Jack snapped out of the dark haze he had been in until now.

Horrified about his loss of control, Jack reared up, suddenly unable to stand the sensation of Ianto's heated skin against his own. He hastily reached for his coat, his softened cock slipping from the younger man's abused whole with a wet noise, making Ianto whimper in pain. But Ianto's soft voice made him stop dead in his tracks.

“Don't go.” 

Beseechingly, Ianto looked up at him from the floor with heavy, burning eyes, Jack returning his intense gaze almost reluctantly, their laboured breathing the only sounds in the room once more. “Please.”

And all of a sudden, all of the rage and resentment he felt for Ianto vanished for good. Even the hurt about his betrayal faded slowly. What was left was only heart-felt compassion for not only his employee but his friend.

Letting his coat slip through his fingers again, Jack lowered himself, gingerly lying down beside the younger man who looked at him with so much lost despair and terrified hope that Jack feared Ianto's threadbare control would snap with the wrong move, causing another breakdown.

Maybe it would be for the best though.

Tantalisingly slow, he wrapped his arms around Ianto to pull him flush against his body in a comforting embrace, not caring in the slightest that his clothes were smeared with Ianto's drying cum spilt over his stomach or that his trousers were still undone with his softened cock hanging out.

A shudder wrecked Ianto's whole body, and he took in a hitched, hesitant breath. And then he buried his face in the crook of Jack's neck.

The only indication that told Jack Ianto was crying was the  minute jerky trembling of his body and the sudden hot wetness running down his neck to seep into the fabric of his shirt. But when he tightened his arms around Ianto, lovingly carding his trembling fingers through his wet hair, and started whispering soothing nonsense in his ear, the younger man finally snapped. 

Jack held him tight through the great heaving sobs that wrecked Ianto's trembling form, never stopping to give him comfort through soothing words and gentle caresses. And then and there, with silent tears running down his own face, and his own body shaking like a leaf as well, Jack swore to stand by this desperate young man's side. He wanted to help him, not punish him. Not any more. He wanted to be better than that, better than the Torchwood of the past, and he wanted to be better than that for Ianto's sake.

It would take some time before he could trust Ianto again, though, but the same probably went for Ianto as well. But they would be fine eventually. Now that his blinding rage had abided, Jack recalled that the lives of the people Jack held dear were too short as that he could bear a grudge against them for long. And if Ianto realised it or not – after all, Jack hadn't given him much indication that he was more than an unappreciated employee he realised now, much to his shame –, Ianto was important to him.

“We'll see this through together,” he whispered, not sure if Ianto could even hear him. “I'll stay with you.”

 

Ianto hadn't moved for a while now. Thinking he had given in to his exhaustion and fallen asleep, Jack gently unwrapped himself from the tight grip the younger man had on him to sit up.

It was only now that he felt the chill of the room and the hard floor under his backside, and he knew that he soon had to relocate them somewhere more comfortable. For now, he dragged his coat over to cover Ianto's as good as naked form, cursing himself inwardly that he hadn't done this a while ago already.

Then, for the first time, Jack took a look around the flat while absent-mindedly letting his hand remain on Ianto's cold shoulder that was now covered with heavy grey wool, softly caressing him with his thumb. The living room they were in was sparsely furnished, the rest of the rooms probably too. It was more like a hotel room, nothing indicated to the man actually living here; no personal belongings at all like photos or books. It made Jack shiver somehow at the impersonal and thus depressing touch of the flat even though his own rooms down in the Hub weren't any better.

“I hadn't planned on staying here for very long.”

Surprised, Jack snapped his head around, looking at a very much awake Ianto who probably had guessed Jack's unspoken question while looking around. Slowly, he nodded in understanding, deciding to let the matter rest though lest he destroy the tentative, surprisingly quite comfortable peace that had settled between them.

The nonetheless gradually awkward atmosphere between them getting to him, Jack forced himself into action again. It was what he was best at after all. Being idle had always made him nervous.

Struggling up on still slightly shaky limbs, he tucked his cock back into his trousers for at least a little bit of decorum. He would rather have preferred to shed his clothes completely, but he wasn't sure if he could take such liberties with Ianto. He had to act carefully around the younger man, slowly gauging what was acceptable and what was not.

Ianto looked grateful that Jack took the first ste p, a nd therefore gladly let the older man help him to his feet. He clutched Jack's coat around his body tightly since now that the sexual frenzy between them was over, he was overly aware of his as good as undressed state. He shouldn't feel such embarrassment, not after what they'd done together, but he couldn't help being slightly  introverted by nature. He wouldn't meet Jack's eyes, instead, he shuffled his bare feet on the cool floor, intently studying the polished wood.

“Ianto... Do you want me to stay...” Jack asked tentatively since he had noticed Ianto's uneasiness about what had happened, and all of a sudden, he wasn't so sure any more about his plan to stay.

“Yes,” Ianto mumbled without looking at Jack. “Please.”

This small, lost “please” tore at Jack's heart, so he simply nodded, and decidedly wrapped his arm around Ianto's shoulders. Gently, he pulled him out of the living room and down the hallway, taking a guess as to where the bedroom was.

Trying to be as detached as possible, but at the same time gentle, Jack pushed Ianto down onto the mattress, and helped him get settled. He didn't comment that the younger man was still wrapped into Jack's coat.

Tired blue eyes met Jack's after he had tucked Ianto in, and he stilled with his hands on the blanket.

“Please,” Ianto whispered again, and even without words, Jack understood the meaning of Ianto's pleading. 

Nodding curtly, Jack swiftly got rid of his clothing after all, and crawled under the blanket. After some awkward shuffling and rearranging around, the two men had settled down together with Jack tightly holding onto Ianto who clung to him as if to a lifeline.

Suddenly, Jack was as bone-weary as Ianto, and he was glad to be laying down. Tightening his hold on Ianto even more, he closed his eyes, and gave himself over to sleep's embrace.

 

An elbow that connected hard with his stomach woke Jack abruptly some time later. Disorientated, he needed a moment to remember where he was, and who was trashing around in his arms. And  _why_ that someone was in the throes of a nightmare.

Grunting as Ianto continued tossing and turning in Jack's arms, he wrapped arms and legs tightly around Ianto to immobilise him. All the while, he whispered soothing words into the young man's ear. And slowly, oh so slowly, Ianto calmed down.

Distressed whimpers tumbling past his lips, Ianto's lids fluttered as he gradually returned to wakefulness. But in the next second, after Jack had seen awareness return to the blue eyes in the dim light, he wished his charge hadn't woken up again. For the pain and despair that Jack saw returning to Ianto's eyes together with awareness was almost too much to stomach. The small whimper that once more made it past Ianto's lips tore at Jack's heart, and instinctively, he pulled Ianto towards him, and protectively bedded Ianto's head against his shoulder.

Gratefully, Ianto clung to Jack, and buried his face in the crook of Jack's neck. He deeply inhaled the comforting scent that, strong as it was emanating from Jack's coat he still wore, had already helped lulling him to sleep. But now, it hit him full force. And instead of calming him down, it send a vicious spike of inappropriate arousal racing through him. He pushed it back with all his might.

He raised his weary head, and looked up, directly into Jack's eyes. Tears suddenly gathered in his eyes, and Jack wanted to reach up, and brush them away.

“It's real,” Ianto whispered, overwhelmed with it all, his voice only a choked scratching, all of his sudden arousal vanishing in an instant. “She's gone.”

“I'm sorry,” Jack replied, and gently pressed a kiss against Ianto's brow. 

“She's gone,” he whispered hoarsely, over and over while his hot tears dripped onto Jack's shoulder.

“Shh, I'm so sorry, Ianto,” Jack crooned, trying to give what little comfort he could. “I've got you.”

Ianto's breakdown didn't last as long as it had a few hours ago, but it still wore both of them out. Healing was tough business, but Jack had known that, and was prepared for it.

What he wasn't prepared for was Ianto becoming eerily still all of a sudden before he drew in a shaky breath, inhaling deeply, and then propping himself up on his elbows. Ianto looked down at Jack lying beside him, their gazes holding fast to each other.

And what Jack hadn't anticipated at all was Ianto leaning down out of the blue, and crushing their lips together in a bruising kiss. He moaned in welcome surprise, and instinctively wrapped his arms around Ianto to draw his body on to his own.

He shouldn't do this. He really shouldn't. Ianto was grieving, and, on instinct, resorted to something that had always helped countless survivors over their grief throughout time. This didn't mean that it was right. Ianto would regret it in the morning when he realised that he h ad – again – b een with the man who killed the woman he loved. This time of his own accord.

But right now, Jack didn't care about morning. His priorities lay in the here and now where it was his responsibility to see Ianto through this night. Step by step. Tomorrow was still a long time away.  And if he acted not only out of concern for Ianto but for selfish reasons as well, then so be it. He had never claimed to be a saint. Surely not a monster, but never a saint.

He reached up, and cupped Ianto's face, taking control of the fierce kiss to slow them both down a bit. And after he had managed that, after he had managed to reign himself in as well, he felt that finally, he had gotten back a semblance of control over this whole mess more than his earlier rage ever could have accomplished. After all, at least one of them should be in control.

Ianto whined pitifully in his arms, and tried to claim Jack's lips once more. But Jack tightly grasped his shoulders to keep him at a distance.

Looking at him with feverish eyes, Ianto's lips trembled. “I don't understand,” he stammered, and suddenly, his eyes widened as he seemed to realise what he had been about to initiate.

Jack didn't know if Ianto was shocked because he had thrown himself at his male boss, or if it was because it was Jack of all people, the murderer of his girlfriend. Ianto probably didn't know himself. His breathing quickening, almost short of a panic attack, Ianto reared back, and wanted to flee the bed. But Jack would have none of it.

With the grip he still had around Ianto's shoulders tightening, he pulled him back, flush against his body. Ianto's eyes widened again in shocked mortification when his reawakened arousal pressed against Jack's thigh, and he felt Jack's answering hardness against his own leg.

“I've got you, Ianto,” Jack promised him, looking him deeply in the eye. “It's okay.”

For a moment, denial bled into Ianto's gaze, but then it was washed away by new tears. Blinking them away furiously, Ianto launched himself back at Jack, crushing their mouths together before Jack could stop him.

The Captain returned the kiss, but tried to exert utmost control while claiming Ianto's mouth thoroughly. And gradually, Ianto began to match his pace. His actions lost their frantic edge, and he calmed down again under Jack's gentle hands caressing his back and shoulders.

But obviously, Jack hadn't counted on the amount of desperation that was swirling through Ianto. For a moment, Ianto pulled back from their kiss, and once more looked Jack in the eyes.

“Take me, please,” Ianto begged, pushing his hips against Jack's hard body. “Take me hard again.”

“No,” Jack answered calmly, not stopping what his hands were doing, never tuning up his gentle caresses to something more harsh like Ianto demanded him to.

“But... I need...” Ianto looked at him like a lost boy. It almost broke Jack's heart.

“You don't need to be possessed,” he explained calmly, carefully reaching up to caress Ianto's face, willing him to understand. “You need to feel that you belong. There's a difference.”

“I don't deserve that,” Ianto whispered as new tears gathered in his eyes.

Sighing ruefully, Jack shook his head in compassion. “I decide what you deserve.”

Ianto shook his head as well, not understanding any of Jack's reasoning. “But... A few hours ago...”

“I know.” Imploringly, Jack grasped Ianto's face, and forced him to look him deeply in the eye. “But that has changed. I want to help you.” 

He sensed the doubt in Ianto, and, thinking closely about it, his sudden change of heart probably wasn't very credible indeed, going from wanting to punish Ianto to needing to help him in only a short time. But it was what he wanted with all his heart.

“You need me to forgive you, but I need you to forgive me as well,” he explained. He swallowed heavily as his emotions chocked him up. “I don't want to be a monster.”

Ianto looked at him closely for a few long moments, searching, but for what, Jack couldn't tell. In the meantime, Jack waited. Because it lay in Ianto's hands how they would proceed from now on.

The waiting was agony for Jack, but he forced himself to remain still and patient.

Eventually, Ianto let out a deep, shaky breath. “I lost so much already,” he whispered. “I don't want to lose even more.”

Emphatically, Jack nodded, happy to hear the unspoken “I don't want to lose  _you_ ”, and allowed Ianto to kiss him again. Relieved, he instinctively sensed that Ianto started to slowly forgive him of some kind, and accepted his wish to help – he couldn't help him heal if Ianto rejected his efforts.

Pulling back from the kiss, Jack sat up, and let his eyes roam over Ianto's pale body revealed to his hungry gaze through the flaps of his greatcoat Ianto still wore. His gaze briefly flitted over the finger-shaped bruises already forming at Ianto's hips, but he pushed down any regret until the only regret he allowed himself was that he had done it for the wrong reasons, not that he had treated Ianto so roughly in the first place.

He shook his head, trying to viciously clear it from all the doubt and regrets and whatever more was swirling inside of his mind. This roller coaster of emotions was draining for both of them, but he hoped that after tonight, they both were steering in the right direction, on the way to healing and forgiveness. Together.

Calmly, without taking his gaze from Ianto, Jack slipped his hand into one of his coat pockets to fish for the small tube of lube they had used earlier. He set it next to him for the moment so he could peel the coat from Ianto's shoulders. Taking the tube up again after the younger man was completely naked, he squirted the remaining gel onto his fingers. Ianto, keeping his eyes glued to Jack, nodded his consent, and laid back in surrender.

Taking in a shaking breath, Jack started preparing him again, carefully and gently this time, acting out of compassion and fondness rather than anger and the wish to punish.

It didn't take long to loosen Ianto since it hadn't been that long ago since Jack had claimed him for the first time, but nonetheless, Jack wanted to take the utmost care with him.

“Jack... please...” 

Ianto's pleading ate at his resolve, and finally, Jack pulled his fingers out, and spread the rest of the lube over his re-awakened arousal as generously as he could this time. “Turn onto your side,” he whispered since he thought it would be best if they both simply felt, without seeing each other, without having the chance to start thinking about what had happened. Simply to feel.

Ianto looked as if he wanted to protest, but eventually complied. Jack spooned him tightly, and let his hand slip between their bodies. Guiding his cock between Ianto's cheeks, the head pressed against Ianto's opening. Pressing his hips forward, the head of his cock slipped past resistant muscles. They both moaned at the penetration, and Jack grabbed Ianto's hips to pull him flush against his groin, sinking all the way inside of him. After he was balls-deep inside the younger man, Jack slipped his arms around Ianto to hold him tight. Ianto's own hands came up to clutch at Jack's forearms crossed over his heaving chest.

“Shh,” Jack made, and pressed a kiss against Ianto's neck. “Just feel.”

Nodding shakily, Ianto released a deep breath, and pressed back against Jack.

The Captain remained motionless for a little while, but then, he rocked his hips forward, his cock moving inside of Ianto with only a grinding motion that was all the more intense for its intimacy, more so than a hard, fast pounding could have ever been.

They held each other tight while Jack claimed Ianto slow but forceful. Every other time, he snapped his hips forward in controlled, deep thrusts that elicited a small hitch of breath from Ianto every time. But it wasn't enough. Somehow, Jack got the feeling that it wasn't enough.

So, carefully rolling them both, he manoeuvred Ianto onto his stomach, and, without ever slipping out of his body, rolled with him so that he was still tightly pressed to his back. Jack propped himself up on his elbows left and right from Ianto's shoulders so as not to crush the younger man while Ianto crossed his arms before him on the pillow to place his head onto them. Then, Jakc ground his hips down forcefully.

Ianto cried out as Jack penetrated him even deeper in this position. It almost was too much for him, the way Jack's considerable erection forced him all the way open, the emotion, tenderness, and care with which Jack treated him pouring inside his whole being alongside Jack's erection.

“Can you feel me?” Jack whispered in his ear hotly.

“Y-yes,” Ianto moaned, and instinctively, he pushed his hips back.

“How do you feel?” 

“Full,” Ianto croaked. “I can feel you so deep inside me, all of you. I think I can even feel the blood pounding through your veins.” 

“Good.” Jack pressed a kiss on to Ianto's shoulder. “Want to feel some more?”

“Yes,” the younger man begged. 

“Okay.” Delivering a few more deep thrusts that took Ianto's breath away, Jack eventually rose up into a kneeling position between Ianto's splayed thighs. He looked down onto the young man lying beneath him, so vulnerable, and trusting Jack to make it right again. And by now, he wasn't oposed to this any more. Now, he saw it as his duty to make it right again for Ianto, not a despiseful burden. Determined, Jack grasped Ianto's hips carefully, and delivered the first thrust in this new position.

He groaned, and Ianto cried out.

For a long while, Jack set a hard, slow rhythm, for once tonight being completely in control of what was happening here, and doing it with a clear conscience instead of anger. He held fast to Ianto's hips to keep the young man from trashing around too much.

Eventually, none of them knew if it was only minutes later or hours later, Ianto shuddered underneath him, and let out a desperate, breathless cry. Jack buried his fingers in the flesh of Ianto's hips as the younger man rhythmically tightened around him as he reached his climax. His whole body shuddered as well as he gave in to his own inevitable orgasm. He stilled, his body shaking with effort, when he spilled inside his lover, claiming him, and accepting him back.

Gently, he pulled out of Ianto's trembling body, and curled himself around him protectively. Readily, Ianto turned in his embrace, and curled up in Jack's arms.

“Sleep,” Jack murmured, pressing a kiss into Ianto's hair.

“Will you be still here in the morning?” Ianto mumbled, fatigue once more starting to claim him.

“I will,” Jack promised, surprised that he didn't mind since he normally wasn't the type to stay the night. But this were different circumstances after all. Ianto was not a faceless one-night-stand, but this was about building up their mutual trust again, about healing, and friendship.

Curling himself even tighter around Ianto, Jack buried his face in Ianto's hair, inhaling deeply. “I will,” he whispered, so softly that Ianto probably didn't hear him; not that he was supposed to.

Just like Ianto, Jack let a deep, liberating sleep claim him that gave him the strength to face tomorrow. Together.

**End**

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really struggled with this story since at some point, I didn't really know where I wanted to go with it any more, probably much like Jack who is torn between his conflicting emotions, and doesn't really know what he should feel about Ianto or about his own actions. I'm not sure I'm happy about the maybe rather abrupt ending, but I'm glad it's finished at last.


End file.
